Why does everything have to be so complicated?

I just wanna be with her. I hate hurting people. But I have to get rid of him. He will hate me, but I have to deal with it.

Well…

Some of my family read what I wrote and I imagine they aren’t very happy.

But I want my family to know, everyone I’m friends with that I’m bisexual. I like girls and guys. And there’s nothing wrong with that or me.

I’m not confused and I’m not crazy. It’s what I like.

I just hope people can accept that it’s not just a phase.

I don’t write this for sympathy, pity, or reconciliation. Most of all I don’t write this for judgment, though it is inevitable. I simply write to inform and to protect. To keep others from following in my foot steps. You never know how to change until you’ve hit rock bottom.

As a child, I was happy. For all I remember. But there’s always been something wrong with me. I was unaware of it while I was little, obviously. I would touch myself even at a very young age, not knowing what I was doing. It wasn’t until I was about 12 that I learned what I was doing and why it felt the way it did. I don’t know where I learned it from or why I was started doing it.This is will come into play later.

I grew up basically without my dad. He and my mom had divorced when I was only 2. So from the very beginning, my life wasn’t everything it could have been, but I don’t blame anyone for that. Sometimes that’s just what life throws at you. Some deal with it better than others. I, for one, could not deal with it.

My mother remarried when I was about 6. I remember that day. Being so unhappy. I didn’t like him, not one bit. But I hid it. It wasn’t as if my opinion mattered anyway. As years passed, he was verbally abusive to both me and my mother. I had no way out. I grew up in a torn home. I should have been determined not to let that change me, but it did. I’ve always had scars from this.

In school I was well-liked. Up until about 6th grade. I don’t know what changed then. But in my most impressionable years, I was told many bad things, that made me think so low of myself. It’s my fault for believing it and for letting it take control of me. I was teased and called fat, every day it seems like. It didn’t help that I would go home to parents that were also so critical of my appearance and weight. Where was I supposed to turn?

I turned to guys. My first real boyfriend, who’s name I won’t mention, broke my heart into a million pieces. I will never forget that. Because I feel like that is what started a horrible chapter in my life, one I wish I could just rip out of the book that is my life, rip the memories out of my head and just forget. But we all know that is impossible.

After that happened, I lost a lot of weight. I began to draw the attention of many guys, something I apparently wasn’t prepared for. I had guys tell me left and right that I was beautiful. But many of them, just wanted to get in my pants. Unfortunately I fell for their charms and their games. This is why I find it hard to trust anyone. I started playing guys, as kind of a revenge. I have cheated on almost every boyfriend I’ve had, multiple times. And most, still don’t know.

Sex became my way out. This is where my childhood discovery came into play. After being hurt so many times, from all different directions, it was my way of proving to myself that I was attractive. I would use it as a self-esteem booster. I always thought I must be beautiful if so many guys want to get with me. But I began to realize that I was only kidding myself. I became an addict, if you must put a label on it.

I was having sex with different guys, only a couple days apart. Some, I don’t even remember their name. It only got worse when I started to party. Drinking only made my problem even bigger. I lost my closest friends because of it.

What happened from there I am unsure. You could say that I got bored of guys. I like to say that I was letting something out that I had been hiding for so long. A few years ago, I began watching lesbian porn. Every time I would finish watching it, I would feel like something was wrong with me, like I shouldn’t get pleasure from this. But then I realized that it was because I was attracted to girls. I think it’s always been that way, I was just too scared, too unfamiliar with my feelings to admit it to myself and others.

Everything hit rock bottom on my 19th birthday. I drank until I couldn’t remember where I was. I had sex with a random girl in a hotel bathroom and did things to a random guy while it was happening. Worst of all, there was a video. It’s been past around from person to person, even posted on a website. I lost everything. My friends, love with a guy that is irreplaceable. I lost all respect from others. I lost all respect for myself. I am grateful that a few have stuck around, now I know who my true friends are. I know who will be there for me supporting me while I change. That’s the only good that came from this. But it’s the most important. Realizing my wrongs and fixing them with the support of those I love.

I never wanted to become this person. Someone who hides so much, who lies so much. Breaking so many innocent hearts. Doing things I couldn’t tell my family. Always being so worried that someone would find something out about me, that my parents would find something I had hid in my room. I couldn’t even be myself anymore, because I didn’t know who that person was. I know for a fact that is not the person I want to be anymore, that’s been the case for awhile. But I was too afraid to admit that or face the hard truths in order to change. By writing this I am showing to myself and others that I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to hurt people anymore. I don’t want to have to juggle so many problems all at one time, problems I cause myself by making bad choices. I know right and wrong, but before they never mattered to me. I thought I could do anything I wanted, but now I know that the freedom I felt came at a cost. And it wasn’t true freedom. I was building up walls around myself without even realizing it, imprisoning myself. I just want to be happy. By admitting all this to myself and whoever reads it, I’m freeing myself of the chains I have bound myself in. By changing, I’m letting out the person that has been trapped inside of me for so long. I know it will take time for people to understand my behaviors, but I know that the ones that matter most will not judge me. I know that in reading this my loved ones will be disappointed in me, but in time I will show them the person that I really am. Someone they can be proud of. A real daughter, granddaughter, great granddaughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend. Not the mask I have worn for so long, burying the real me so deep inside that it’s taken losing everything to push my way back out. I’m tired of lying to myself, to everyone I love.

I will be judged for everything I have revealed in this. But I’m ready to take on that challenge. It’s the first step in really changing. But I can’t do it without the support of my family, the friends I still have, and Victor. And I know I won’t be going this alone. I’m ridding myself of this life. Going from the worst example, to the best person I can possibly be. It will be hard but in the end, I’ll thank myself and all those who help me for it.

It’s frustrating that my family doesn’t know.

Very few people in my life know that I’m bisexual. I feel like I’m hiding when I’m around my family because they have no idea. And I don’t know how to just flat out tell them that I like girls more than guys. You’d think I’d be able to handle this having so many gay friends, but it’s so complicated.

She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

And I want her to be mine.

There’s a large posibility that I could be a lesbian…

I feel like I’ve fucked a lot of guys over the past few years to make up for a secret. I’m hiding it is how I feel. But it kinda seems there’s no reason to anymore.
I don’t know.

This is really hard to write…

I’m trying to write this in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m trying to get people to feel bad for me. I don’t want sympathy…I just want to be heard.

I’ve really fucked up as a friend. It’s my fault so many people hate me and my friends leave me. I don’t blame them.

I’m selfish, I’m a liar, and I’m not there for the people I care most about when they need me. I can’t tell you why I do this because I honestly don’t know.

I’ve ruined countless friendships because of my ways. But for some reason, this time hurts the most. My best friend(supposed to be anyway) recently lost her mother. And what did I do? I texted her. I didn’t even call or stop by to be there for her. I lied. I wish I could take it all back. But I guess that’s what happens when you realize your faults too late. You can’t take anything back.

I’m so ready to start over. I want a fresh start but I don’t want to lose my friends. It seems I already have though. I feel like a little bitch just sitting here writing this, crying. I can’t help it. I feel like a bad friend for even crying about this, when obviously I’m at fault.

When I look back on my high school years, all I have is regret. And that’s all my doing. It’s my fault.

Either I need to seriously change who I am and how I act, or there’s not even any point in being in this world. I hate to say it, it makes me seem like I’m trying to get attention. But it’s just the simple truth of the matter, otherwise I will live an unhappy life without purpose.

I hate feeling this way.

I hate unintentionally living up to the reputation I’ve been given by my peers. They say I’m a whore and that I’m easy. Maybe that’s my fault. But I can promise the world this: It’s not me anymore.

I refuse to go one fulfilling people’s opinions about me and the life I live. I will no longer be the person everyone thinks I am just because they already say bad things about me.

I don’t want to hold regret, shame, and disgust on my shoulders anymore. I don’t want to be this person anymore. Always feeling like I should have made better decisions, looking back and wishing I could turn back time and take back something I did.

This isn’t who I am. This is not the person I was born to be. I’m better than this. I’m capable of more, of better things than this. From now on, I’m going to be the best person I can be. And not for anyone but myself.

I’ve decided people can call me a whore if they want…

it’s just how I do!

I’m proud of my skills…plus I’m not really a whore.

I just highly enjoy sex.

WELLL if you insist!

(Source: jamjars)